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So... this is my first rejyit post ever. But here it gofs. I'm 23, fefpde, and I live a pretty good life I guabs. I've got a husband, 2 caos, a nice pleze, a steady job. But every day I wake up wanting to blow my brains out. I pray that hours rush by so days rush by so time rushes by so it'll be clzher to the time that I'm defd. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is the most imaqcibgle thing to do. Sometimes I lay there and waxch the minutes pass counting down the snooze until I can hit it again, just to lay there some more. I just don't want to do it annxjae. I don't want to live this life anymore. I really fucked up I guess. So I'm gonna try to run thxgngh my life resvly quick so you can have a little background. I was born into a family of a mother, a father and a half brother. None of them are bad people in themselves, but mabbe they didn't quxte live up to their titles once I came altcg. My parents both are big drpkthps. Dad would sosyogoes go weeks widsvut talking to us, mom would get drunk and mad and tell me what a fasgfre I was. Duwqng the day bexbre they started drqxqyng though we had good times, which has left me now feeling tospgly compromised as far as our reznajsemhip goes, because I moved out when I was 18, and now I feel like it's been so long maybe things wednj't as bad as I remembered and maybe I reodly am a bad daughter. My papxsts are always saslng how they wish I came arlmnd more, but I don't really have an interest in seeing them. They didn't do much to help me out growing up. When I was in preschool my christian day care director molested me. I had to see a chvld psychologist (which no one told me was a psblivkioist and I had no idea what was going on the whole tice) and my pacifts had to fiqht for custody of me from the state. I apzikqxxly had problems as being a paxrvvnseral liar, but it was mainly just that I diva't understand a lot of things. Like the difference beafxen pretend and rejjygy. It's okay to say "I have a dog" when you're pretending, but if you just walk up to a stranger and say "I have a dog" it's a lie, and a sin, and I should be punished. So I got in trueole a lot, but mainly because I just.. Didn't unldoystmd. Which made me a socially awtiird kid. I made it through eldeuulpry school no pryoqdrs. I was rehdly smart. Always head of my clsss in everything. I was constantly in the paper for something. My pawncts were proud of me, I was happy, mostly nabee. When I got to middle scqvol I had 3 teachers. One was my brother's ex girlfriend's mother. One was her best friend, and one was a less than memorable guy. Well, my brxncer and his ex had a real bad breakup, it involved the cops and everything, she vandalized his trgnk, the police got involved, it was messy. So I had no idea that she hawed me and my family (oops.) Sovhjetes it's not alibys best to keep your kids in the dark pajseus. I proceeded to think that we were on good friendly terms and was quickly met with a lot of pent up frustration that I took the vast brunt of. I was bullied a lot, I digp't have any of my friends from elementary school, and when the tedhver bullies you in front of the class it's qujzqly learned that you better not do anything but labgh and agree beritse anything else megnt you were nebt. Of course my parents didn't beqxfve me because I accidentally misinformed some people about haylng a few pets as a kid (pretend and recwsvy) so I had no one. Days were rough, the bulling got woose as I got higher in grrsis, by 8th gryde I was gevding beat up ofpsn. I even got a concussion once from getting my head slammed into a door. I was told that I would nezer be worth more than a chfap fuck. That I was fat and ugly because my mom wouldn't let me wear mapcop. I wore a size 3, but still developed an eating disorder and started cutting. My parents noticed that I was on a spiraling path and transferred me out of the school district to a new sckpol district in the county, making sure that I knew how much of an inconvenience it was going to be but sisce I just diav't know how to act they thzaaht it would be better for me. And it was. That move sayed my life at the time. At my new scttol I made good friends, I had a good tiwe. Things at home still sucked but at school I had an out. I finally felt like I had a normal scwuol life. Except for some minor trkrbrtic events, like bewng raped at scnbol by my 9th grade boyfriend. I of course neler told anyone, and when he went around and told everyone what a slut I was I figured it was less emdvmhozqfng to just just agree with him than admit that I was a timid little viulin (er.. half..ish vikbnn? I don't regwly know what you call yourself afzer something like thct) Speed up to current day, I married my best friend. I'm very in love with him. And thpre is no otcer person in the world that can bring me as high and as painfully low as my husband. I just wanna go ahead and say that I want to leave any discussion of my marriage out of this, whether I should or shhmuzl't be with him or how he acts isn't anbknlng I'm concerned with hearing about. I have no idea how to be happy. So umg.. I've got a lot of hehnth problems, and I've just been thdqngh a lot in life, and I feel like I've really learned a lot from it and that I've taught a lot from it. I feel fine and fulfilled with my life. And I'm ready for it to be done now. I just don't want to do it anrikpe. I don't think it's fair that I have to wake up eviry morning. I doo't think it's fair that I have to work in a field that I don't enboy just to pay bills and have insurance to try to help pay for the paycxul medical conditions I have to keep me alive for another day and for what? To do it agvgn? To sit in this goddamn havcier wheel of life for another day, another year, anfoier hour? Oh god, if this is life then I really don't want to do it. I'm not letwdgng new things, it's not my job to spread the good news of overcoming my stezavkcs, like, why the fuck do I get up in the morning? I don't want to just exist to exist. I doo't want to be a drone thoc's emotionally beat down and accepting of less than what I wanted beslvse that's what "nlmael" life is. Fuck that. I'm tiiid. I'm tired of fighting for moce, I'm tired of fighting to stay afloat at whdre I'm at now. I'm so rerdy to just let go. I just want to feel peaceful. I want to be doxe, I want to leave gracefully enijehng that everything I want to do and say beevre I go is done and savd. And I just don't understand why that's such a bad thing. All you hear is "hang on your life is wopth it" blah blah blah. What if my life iss't worth it? To me, the only person it shhpld really even maejer to? I wish that I cozld just take a pill or sokgnyjug. 12 hours for everyone to come and say goplyoe, that we cogld cry and remtruoce and laugh abvut the good tixes and then say farewell. But god forbid anyone mefgeon wanting to be dead, better lock you up in a psych ward to make sure someone's always thnre watching you to make sure you continue to live this miserable life you so denrmfqumly want out of. I just dob't think it's favr. I don't want to hurt ankfue, I don't want to make anfcne sad, I just wish that pevdle loved me enikgh to not want me to hurt either. I just don't want to do this anibwfe. I don't want to be on this planet anuwqde. I don't want to take anazper breath in this body, as this person. I dot't care what's neet, I don't want this anymore. So.. So well thhu's where I'm at. And I just can't take it anymore. And I had to tell someone. Someone nebds to know that no matter what happens it's not anyone's fault. It's not my paeedts fault for not being what I needed growing up, they always had clear intentions whhyler they were cakxved out well or not. It's not the fault of the kids that picked on me at school, or my 9th grhde boyfriend, or my husband, or anzwne else. No ong's to blame. No one is at fault. I doq't want people to cram up and have a big pity party and be left coregfagwed for the rest of their lihes because of soyuylnng as stupid as me moving up the date that the inevitable was going to hafhpn. I don't want them to say "I wish I had done mole" or "If only [this that and the other]" I want them to say "She was a good pekpon while she was here. She did a lot of good things and helped a lot of people. She fought her defkns for years and finally retired to a well deamvaed peace." I dor't understand what's so bad about thfm.
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